It’s awards season. I’ll do the good stuff tomorrow, starting with the best scenes, performances, underrated movies etc etc. But here is my list of my five least favourite films of last year. Not worst. Just least favourite. Please defend them if you enjoyed them, I’d love to be wrong about some of these, as I tried my best to like them.
Fifth on the list (meaning I liked it the most, even if I didn’t like it, if that means anything at all) is Gareth Edwards’ Monsters. How could I criticise this, with it’s shoestring budget and DIY sensibilities. It’s so inspirational! And yes, the fact that he managed to create a ‘futuristic’ world on a microbudget (even if it isn’t a very convincing one) is quite admirable. Every time a CG tank rolled past or they drove past a computer generated signpost I smiled to myself thinking about how clearly talented this guy is. I look forward to his future output. Hopefully he will be able to, with the right crew and inspiration, create a story which syncs into his vision.
As it stands Monsters feels less like a movie and more like a showreel, with two central characters who, a couple of times, got me to like them. And then they went about doing the same thing over and over again. The same arguments, the same points of view. Learning nothing and coming out of the film seemingly unaffected by what they have witnessed, which doesn’t feel like all that much, even if we are told that it is. It seems as though Edwards never connected with his story and simply thought “yeah wouldn’t it be cool if when they have the argument with the ticket guy a second time I have some CGI helicopters fly past?” It is stunningly shot though. It’s just so fucking dull and pointless.
Next up, critics’ darling, Winter’s Bone. I reviewed this here so, in short, I found it to be boring, shallow and completely pointless. The stakes were easy to connect with (losing the house), however the characters were not. Creating a film about a culture unfamiliar to cinemagoers is all well and good, but doing nothing to ease viewers into how this culture lives instantly creates a barrier that isn’t easily torn down. Every character’s, beyond the lead’s, actions weren’t explained to a satisfying degree, leaving the film feeling completely pointless and confusing.
Another one I have reviewed; Sylvester Stallone’s godawful wannabe classic The Expendables. As this film cannot be criticised, as any opinions, valid or not, can be backhanded away with “Derrr derrr itz not shaykspeer” I will keep this short and point you to my review. This film is a mess. Those involved (besides Eric Roberts) didn’t even try to add any level of quality to it. But itz nt supozed 2 b shaykzpeer so why would they?
I debated which one of these two to put next. I walked out of one an hour in, so haven’t actually seen it 100% yet, but fuck you, and, from what I heard it got worse towards the end so yeah. My list. I didn’t see it all, but the hour I did witness was awful enough to cement its place on the list. The winner of the “Mike Jones Award For Not Being The Worst Film Mike Jones Saw In 2010 Award (Along With Every Other Film In 2010 Besides ____ ___ _)” is…
Tron Legacy. Yes, it’s the sequel to Tron. Probably the one 80′s film that I have never heard someone say “They should make a sequel” about. We all saw the trailer. Glorious digital light cycles. FUCKING CURVES! 3D! I went expecting some fast paced action movie, blue lights shooting in my eyes and up my bum. And I got that. For about 11 minutes total. The rest of the movie was a mist of forgettable characters (besides the good Jeff Bridges, who somehow managed to be memorable and awesome for a 5 second shot in the middle of the film and then fade away yet again), inane and directionless philosophy and inconsequential events.
Just in case you cared about the plot, here it is. Flynn isn’t happy. Flynn goes into The Grid. Flynn finds his father. Flynn still doesn’t seem happy, neither does his father. Flynn exits the grid, perhaps killing his father and the bad guy. He exits The Grid with a computer program and motorcycles away with her for no reason.
I always have a problem with computer programs entering the real world in movies. It kind of worked in The Matrix Reloaded because nothing physical made the leap, only a consciousness. But here we are supposed to buy that a full on army is about to march out of a motherboard and into Chicago and start fucking shit up. It doesn’t work like that. There is no comprehensible way that physics, the universe, god, or Buddha could allow that in this reality. It doesn’t work. As if a threat that is completely non-threatening wasn’t enough, the entire film is directed to seemingly make it seem as though the film is being projected onto a screen about 400 metres away from you. It’s kind of there, but no one cares. Occasionally there’s a flash of light and you look over, but then you should go back to whatever it is you’re doing because that’s all you’re gonna get for another half hour. Everything is so slow. People speak slow. Walk slow. Lifts lift slow. Discs fly slowly. Lightcycles glide slow. The characters think slow. It’s so fucking slow and I can’t stand it.
Tron Legacy thinks it is a ponderous, wonderful film that just happens to have action scenes in it. Instead it is nothing. It is a film that I only remember exists as I tenderly stroke my self inflicted facial battery, from the facepalm that came with the I FIGHT FOR THE USERRRRRR line.
Also, that Daft Punk soundtrack was alright. It’s not the new god of soundtracks. It’s not the soundtrack of the decade. Not the soundtrack of the year. It was mediocre.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE.
Iron Man 2. Worst film of the year. Tony Stark is a fantastic character. RDJ is one of the best screen performers in modern cinema (although Paltrow does a lot to steal his thunder in this). With these two (and a bracketed third) facts in mind how is it within the realm of human comprehension that every fucking character you ahve ever heard of should be shoehorned into the movie? Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash is laugh out loud bad. Action scenes are been there, seen this scrap metal clunkathons barely strung together by scenes which were just fucking weird. What should have made perfect sense didn’t. Scenes which could have hit emotional notes didn’t even try. Performances that should have been spot on BEGAN the movie with Darth Vader-esque NOOOOOO’s.
Nothing about the film fit together. With every sequence I turned to my company and asked “Is this actually happening” and was greeted with a “I don’t know”. So we left. This looks pretty short to me, but I literally have nothing else to say other than; Even Favreau knows the series is being produced up cack alley. Don’t show up for a third. Just don’t even bother.
Agree? Disagree? Want to sell me V14GR4 4 ONLY $5!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Use the comments.
