I’d like to start off by thanking all eight of my loyal fans, and I hope you havent missed me too much! You see, I’ve just moved away from home for the very first time. It’s a chaotic experience, amazing at it’s best and miserable at it’s worst. Here are some things that I’ve observed over my adjustment to life in the big savannah…
LAUNDRY IS A BITCH
Clothes are great. They keep us warm, save us from bumps and scratches. They can hide your penis if it is tiny or can show it off if you’re packing a monster. However humans are annoyingly smelly creatures, and wearing clothes for too long results in you reeking like a cross between the garbage compactor from Star Wars and the monkey enclosure at Colchester Zoo. This is where you encounter your first hurdle when moving into your own place – laundry.
As I’m living in a simple flat, there is no washing machine or dryer just down the hall for me to use. Instead, I have to lug a cow’s-weight in clothes down three flights of stairs (or take the lift, currently expected to arrive in 2015 but prone to delays), through a construction site and into the launderette. There I must pay 2 English Pounds for the privelege of not smelling. After this is completed you then can use the dryers to make sure your clothes are nice and airy fresh. However drying machines are magical in the sense that they don’t actually dry at all. You stick 20 pence in and for all the good it does you may aswell ask someone to hold the item up while you blow on it. I call it the ‘lilo’ method of drying.
Contrary to popular belief, this is a picture taken of me the other day, not a Levi's ad. What? A man needs to do all his washing, right?
STUFF BREAKS. A LOT.
So you’re all moved in, settling down, meeting flatmates and neighbours and everything is going just fine. Despite your laundry kerfuffle you feel like you’re finally on top of things… Until life throws a curveball and everything breaks. Seriously, not just little stuff like glasses you knock over or a cupboard door handle, but rediculous stuff like boilers, door hinges, draft excluders, the internet and your water supply. This crap all takes time to fix, and it takes longer than average as your bodily functions begin to shut down through the cold caused by the lack of heating, hot water, and the draft coming through your broken door. To couple this, if you get stuck with your DIY you cant even look up tips on the internet because, yes, you guessed it, that’s broken too. You see, this stuff happens just as much when you were living with your folks, but you never noticed it, because it was never your responsibility to notice it and take action. Welcome to big school, sonny jim.
Enjoy it while you can, you smug little cow.
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, YOUR FAMILY DO LOVE YOU.
During your teenage years, some children become somewhat oblivious to the amount of knuckle-breaking patience it takes to be a parent. Ever remember thanking your parents for anything when you were 13? Me neither. “It’s ok!”, you think in your insipid teenage selfishness, “I’ll be able to move away and never have to put up with them again!”. WRONG. Kids, listen and listen good. Once you move out, your parents deliberately dial up the annoying level of care they have for you, probably as payback for all the grief you caused them whilst under their roof.
PISS OFF UNCLE PERRY.
Calls, texts, they come thick and fast. “ARE U OK?! x”, “DONT FORGET DONT PUT METAL IN MICROWAVE x”, “HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR THE DR’S YET? x” and best of all “DONT FORGET TO HEAT THE OVEN B4 U USE IT x”. Even the most street-smart of children are assumed completely blind to the ways of homemaking by their parents, who use this assumption to drive you to the verge of madness with their caring advice.
So there we go. Let this be a warning to all you youngsters who just “CNT WAIT TO MOVE OUT OF THIS SHITHOL IVE HAD IT WITH THESE NOBHEDS!!!!!!” - Source: Facebook. Enjoy your free meals and cosy heating while you can.
